Having read the words "cow milking contest," there is no possible way that you, a human being who appreciates joy, aren't already dying from anticipation, so we'll just get right to it: Prior to Friday's Red Sox-Rangers game, Boston starter Wade Miley and Texas reliever Ross Ohlendorf engaged in a milk-off, a time-honored tradition passed down by gladiators of yore, in recognition of June Dairy Month.
The most milk produced during the given time period wins -- two men, two (probably blissfully unaware) cows, one shot at immortality. AND THEY'RE OFF:
Things were neck-and-neck (or udder-for-udder, but we're above that) at the start, but eventually, a champion revealed himself. Praise him, and give him your very finest cow-related emojis:
Ross Ohlendorf faced off with Boston's Wade Miley for tonight's cow milking contest. Ross was victorious! ������ pic.twitter.com/G1uVB5wc9G- Texas Rangers (@Rangers) May 29, 2015
Though we do feel compelled to point out that Ohlendorf owns a longhorn farm -- Texas Forever, guys -- so that's probably a bit of a leg up.
The gods of all things baseball and bovine are apparently pleased with our offerings of sacrifice, for they have blessed us with not one but two -- yes, two -- contests of milking prowess. We take you to Anaheim, where Angels outfielder Alfredo Marte bested Tigers reliever Alex Wilson:
Both home teams won the milking contests, and both went on to win their respective baseball games. Coincidence, or simply the magical powers of the cow? You be the judge. (It's probably the cow thing, though.)